The Great Mate Debate by Chemistry.com

I think more and more people are actually putting energies into making their marriages work. Moreover, this is a fairly modern trend. Greek, Roman, Chinese and early Christian philosophers and theologians regarded one’s love of kin, God and civil duty as far more important than love for a spouse. In fact, historians maintain that strong marital commitments were not regarded as the foundation stone of society until the 20th century. We’re doing something right!

This new emphasis on happiness and companionship in marriage probably stems from many current trends. But one of them, I suspect, is our lack of local community. We all still maintain rich networks of colleagues, friends and family. But these people don’t live next door; nor do they share all of our personal values and goals, as they did for millions of years on the grasslands of ancient Africa. I have often thought humanity would reinvent new ways to produce local community-- and perhaps the church life that some people are creating is a response to exactly this need for local community.

I also realize that we all have biases. Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder what beliefs I am clinging to that I will think are ridiculous in five years. I only know of one at the moment: I firmly believe that women are just as sexual and just as adulterous as men. But this is a topic for a different blog.

To be able to say “spiritual commitment is absolutely essential” to a relationship, I guess we would have to define “spiritual.” But to add some science here: Psychologists believe a successful relationship needs three components: passion; intimacy and commitment. But…does a successful partnership need a “spiritual” commitment, particularly to a Christian god?

Well, as an anthropologist I can only say that a huge number of human beings worldwide--for many millennia--made highly successful marriages without a Christian god. Moreover, even a cursory look at global history indicates that the concept of ‘god’ has caused tremendous damage—perhaps not in the family but certainly in the world.

There are a lot of different kinds of long distance relationships and a lot of ways to make these work. I know a truck driver who actually hooked up a TV camera in his wife’s bedroom so that he could watch her sleep--not to spy on her but to remain close to her. I also know a couple in the Navy who regularly rent the same video and watch it together on the phone, in “real time,” while he is on duty in Asia and she is in their home in New Jersey. Cell phones, email, Internet photos and home videos can enable the traveler to stay in daily, even hourly, contact with a beloved. Couples also tend to develop a few good rules. For example, I recently spoke with an Army wife who told her husband that he must never whistle while he packs for a 6-month tour of duty. All these touches can make a long distance partnership bearable, perhaps even fun—as long as both partners participate in holding things together.

I would add that in hunting and gathering societies, men and women often leave camp for days or weeks, to visit relatives or meet other social or business obligations. And often both partners like their “free time.” Even today, some couples truly enjoy these interruptions. They say they get more of their work done during these intervals and have more time to enjoy the partnership when they reunite. But it all depends, of course, on who you are, what you want, and what makes your partnership thrive.

Q: I am new to online dating and I just began creating my Chemistry.com profile this weekend. I am concerned that my profile may not reflect me. Can you give me pointers as to what I should put in it?

Hi. Welcome to Chemistry.com. You have probably already thought of the obvious things: Be upbeat and positive--people are drawn to those with energy and enthusiasm.

Don't be shy, put some of your best qualities up front, people are attracted to those who are confident. Be honest--you want people to trust you. Be careful with your grammar and spelling--you don't want to look illiterate or lazy. And be reasonable--don't say you want the moon, because no one can give it to you.

So, on to the details.

Foremost, I would try to be original. Skip the clichés like “I like to sip wine by the fire.” And the broad statements like “I am an athletic, caring blond.” Instead say something colorful and descriptive like: “I have blond hair to my waist; I like to do somersaults in the surf; I teach Mongolian immigrants to speak English; and I play a mean game of backgammon.” Vivid; vivid; vivid. Show your sweet side. Be brief. Be funny if you can, but this can be hard to pull off in writing. And if you can use a quote from a song, or movie, or book, or poem that is clever, touching or revealing -- go for it. Use active verbs and skip the adjectives. And then show your profile to a friend and ask him or her if you have described yourself accurately. Even better, ask your friend to write a profile for you, then compare the two versions--and add what you have missed about yourself.

Very good luck to you,
Helen